vets helping vets-from the heart

the cure

2007-11-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

I have ANTS. Not the little insects that screw up your picnic, but “Automatic Negative Thoughts.” I am stupid, I am ugly, I cannot control my life; these are examples of ANTS. They are not products of low self-esteem for they cause it. They just kind of pop out at a time when your defenses are down and they somehow become an automatic response. Because of my depressed state (a symptom of active post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD), these little ants found a home. It became very comfortable having them around. I could take the blame or chastise myself for nearly anything at a moments notice. I had almost no faith that I could do anything at all. The fact that they became an automatic response made it easy. Just let them go for you do not even have to think about a response, because a negative one would come out automatically; ANTS.
It is not easy to get rid of these little creatures. When you start to think that you have done something right, they will convince you it was just luck. Even a blind hog finds the occasional acorn. What it takes is for someone (preferably a qualified therapist) to train you to put a different spin on the outcome of a situation or decision that you have made and to somehow convince you that you did your best and the rest is out of your control anyway. You cannot take the blame for things that you cannot control.

When I was at my worst, I would take blame for anything and everything. I began to use the ANTS to define myself. I really was stupid, despite an IQ over 130. I could look in the mirror and prove to myself that I was so ugly, that no one would want me; disregarding the fact that I had won the heart of a very beautiful Asian Princess. Turning things from good to bad became my life’s goal.
Killing the ANTS. Firstly, you must realize that the thoughts you are having are real and they have an impact on how you feel and how you behave.
Next, try to examine how negative thoughts affect your body. When you have a sad, unkind or angry thought, your brain releases chemicals that make your body feel bad. Remember the last time you said something hurtful to some poor soul that did not deserve it, or got angry with someone over what amounted to nothing? How did you feel? Probably your muscles became tense, your heart beat faster, your hands began to sweat, and you may have even felt dizzy.
Then, and examine how positive or happy thoughts affect you. Think about the last time you had a truly happy thought. How did you feel? Positive and happy thoughts cause the brain to release chemicals that make the body feel good. Normally, when people are happy, their muscles relax, heartbeat slows down, you breathe more slowly, and relaxation is available.
You must then realize that your body reacts to every thought that you have, affecting every cell of your body. It is an instantaneous chemical reaction.
This is important. Try to think of bad thoughts, or ants, as pollution. When people get upset, they frequently develop physical symptoms. Headaches and stomach discomforts are examples of this. Just as pollution in the Los Angeles basin affects everyone that goes outside, so too do negative thoughts pollute the mind and body.
Now you must understand that negative thoughts do not always tell the truth. Sometimes they will even lie to you. Despite having a very high IQ, I would always tell you that I was not very smart. You do not have to believe every thought that goes through your head. It is important to think about your thoughts as to whether they help or hurt you. Remember, if you never challenge your thoughts you will just accept them as truth.
Talk back to the ANTS. One way to learn how to change your thoughts is to notice when they are negative and rebuke them in your own mind. When you just think a negative thought without challenging it, your mind reacts to it as if it were true, beyond a shadow of a doubt, and your body reacts to it by releasing the feel-bad chemicals. However, when you challenge the bad thought, it loses the ability to have power over you.
Exterminate the ANTS. Whenever you notice that there are ANTS about, you need to crush them or they will affect your relationships, your work and your personal happiness. First, you notice them. If you can catch them at the very moment they occur, correct them. You will then take away the power that they have over you. By bringing the ANTS into the open, examining them on a conscious level; you can easily see that it makes little sense to think these kind of thoughts about yourself. You can then take back control over your life instead of leaving your fate to the ANTS.
People often think that if they do not continue to believe these thoughts, they are simply lying to themselves. However, try to remember that most negative thinking is automatic. You are not really choosing how to respond to a situation; it is being chosen for you by the ANTS. To find out what is true and what is not, you need to question it. Do not believe everything you hear, even if it is coming from your own mind.
In summary, confront these ANTS and feed your own emotional anteater. Write them down, question their validity, and talk back to them. You will be surprised to learn that they will lose their power over you and you will regain control over your life.
Coming next: Forgiving my brothers for not going.

the cause

2007-11-10T19:03:00.001-08:00

I know the drill; before you tell me yours, you want mine exposed. To find out what caused the grey zone that I was living in and how I finally escaped it.First, we will consider the cause. She was very young (17) and oh, so very beautiful. Her name was Min Wie. She lived with her family in the village just outside the compound where I lived. I met her at the market. I was only 20; very clumsy and nervous around such a beauty as her. She thought that it was funny; big, tough G.I. who couldn't look at a shy young lady in the eyes without his face getting red. Well, I somehow managed to introduce myself and a wonderful and loving relationship was born. After a couple of months, we had breeched the language barrier with a splendid combination of guttural English and broken Vietnamese. To say that I had fallen in love was an understatement. We had even started to make arrangements to be married. I planned to bring her home and love her for the rest of our lives.I flew dust off (Medivac, picking up the injured or mortally wounded via helicopter) and it was the season to be very busy. One day, Min had gone to the regional hospital because of what we thought was a stomach virus. I was off on a mission. When she returned to her village, the Viet Cong (V.C.) started to shell what they thought was the compound. They undershot their mark and completely destroyed the village. When I returned and saw what used to be the village, I ran as fast as I could to discover her family had died. I hoped that she had not suffered the same fate. Nervously, I searched the destroyed village. I found my beautiful Asian princess lying face down in a pool of blood, not 4 feet from a mortar hole. In her hand she clutched a prescription. I removed it and read that it was for pre-natal vitamins; Min had died, plus my unborn child. OK, so I'm crying now. This re-telling is never easy. I erroneously surmised that if I had not gone, I would never have had to face this tragedy.For years, every time I met someone who could have gone but didn't, the resentment would rise like a rocket. I learned to hate because I figured they were spared all of the pain that I had to suffer. Furthermore, I figured that if they had gone and helped, maybe Min would have lived and maybe my child would have lived also. Piss-poor logic, I admit, but it was so strong and the resentment ran so deep that it was impossible to see that whether they had gone or not, it wouldn't have changed anything.I buried my child and my beautiful Min in a shallow grave away from the village. I felt that all of our hopes, the love, and the dreams that we shared were ripped from my heart and replaced by a horrible grey cloud that lived within me. A cloud so thick, that you couldn't see through it to see me and I could hide behind it, hopefully forever.So, despite the tears and sobbing that I am now going through, having told this story again, you see the cause; an event that I couldn’t escape for many years.Coming next: The cure. Eli

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why me

2007-11-10T18:58:00.000-08:00

Why me and not them? Why did I have to suffer what I went through, spend a lifetime thinking about it, and labeling a huge group of people as cowards in the meantime? It seemed, as though, I felt guilty for the mayhem I was involved in, yet, at the same time, proud of the fact that I was there in the first place. One of those feelings had to be inappropriate.
I didn't realize until many years that the idea of betrayal by our government had set me off on a deep mental journey that caused me much self flagellation. Couple that with the fact that the returning Vietnam Vets were not honored. The public treated us with much indifference or derision, further denying the unanchored dead that was in all of us a final resting place.
All of us have one event, or trigger, that we can't shake. When I figured this out, I started talking about mine; something that we saw or participated in that will not leave. The answer is in talking about that one incident. C'mon, tell it here. Spit it out. You could be helping a brother come to terms with something huge. Let's bury it all right here. You tell me yours and I will tell you mine. Don't worry about how ugly it is. As we know, war is hell. Eli